There is a lot of information out there about why the no contact rule after a breakup is a good or a bad thing. The pros, the cons, the benefits, and why it works or doesn’t work.
Here’s my two cents.
Everyone is different.
Everyone’s relationship is different.
I don’t think it needs to be a blanket statement.
I have some clients that cut everything off and have zero contact, and that works for them. I have other clients who remained friends and hang out in the same friend groups and that works for them. And other clients who have a mixture of the two.
The secret,
A PROTOCOL.
An ex communications protocol.
A protocol is a guideline YOU set for YOURSELF around how you want to handle things moving forward.
You set it at least 24 hours in advance and you do not change it.
I use this in my life in a variety of ways, such as a food protocol. I know I’m going to be eating, this at this time. I know I’m going to a party and my protocol is 2 cookies. I know that I want to have one alcoholic beverage but I don’t want 4. So I set a drinking protocol of 1 drink. When I have that one drink I’m done.
There’s no drama. No wavering, no indecision. It’s the plan I made and implemented.
So what’s your protocol for contact with your ex?
Here are some examples of what some of my clients have come up with:
I know it’s his birthday coming up and I’m planning ahead of time, that I will text him happy birthday but nothing else no matter what, and if he doesn’t respond, I’m not going to make it mean anything.
I know what’s best for me, so my protocol is that I won’t be reaching out to him, I’ve blocked his number and if there is an emergency he can let my sister know and she’ll get in touch with me.
I’ve decided that I will never respond or send him a message while I’m at the office, or if I’m out with friends at a party, or if I’ve had a 2 or more drinks. Outside of that I’ll respond but I won’t reach out unless it’s for a logistics question.
No contact, I blocked him on all social media platforms, blocked his number and in 2 months I’ll reevaluate how I’m doing and decide if I’m comfortable unblocking everything.
The best part of a protocol is YOU set it. YOU know yourself best, not me, not your mom and dad, your friends, not a therapist, not anyone else. And when you make the rule for yourself, it means more. It’s not someone else telling you that you can’t do something. It’s you deciding that you know what’s best for you and showing up for yourself.
Want to chat more about protocols?! Sign up for a free 30 minute mini session where we can iron out your protocol for ex communications.
Sending so much love!
Dorothy
